MEMOIRS OF US - sweetestsj
Review by msninjaah
Title - 2/5
“Memoirs of Us” expressed the story reasonably fair; it was quite straight to the point and really foreshadowed the mood of the story. But diction wise I thinking ‘memories’ is a better fit instead of memoirs. Although these two words are literally identical but there is a difference of meaning to it.
Review by msninjaah
Title - 2/5
“Memoirs of Us” expressed the story reasonably fair; it was quite straight to the point and really foreshadowed the mood of the story. But diction wise I thinking ‘memories’ is a better fit instead of memoirs. Although these two words are literally identical but there is a difference of meaning to it.
The word memoir is usually used to express a formal sense of memories such as history or a person’s death to express its significance. In addition to that the title is quite common in a way. There is a 50 50 chance that a reader will click on it but, if you encounter a strict reader (like me) it will mostly likely be passed. And one more thing, you’ve stated that the story was a one shot (one chapter tale) but there were more than one chapter. So there is another misusage of terms, which is another major reason why I graded it so hard. In conclusion, I’m someone who is crazy about titles (grammar, diction, meaning, and attention grabbing wise).
Appearance – 4.5/5
I personally don’t believe that a story’s appearance (poster) have anything to do with a story’s quality unless the background is blinding. But since this is required on the rubric I’ll just express some of my opinions. Your picture choices went fairly well with the characters’ characteristics, and you’ve once again set the mood to the story again, great job. I’m a designer myself and I understand how much time and effort a poster designer puts on their arts, regardless of the final result. Since a poster’s appearance depends on skills and that is not something you can master in a day or two, it needs practice. So I won’t nail you on that either. But I did take half a point off because I feel that if you had a polished designer make the poster you can grab more readers’ attention by ten percent. Besides from that I’m all about the old saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” But then again there are not many people who don’t judge by the cover.
Forewords - 1/10
People have different perspectives for forewords. Some used the foreword to introduce themselves, characters and the plot while there were people who used it for prologue. And I’m fine with both as long as they are attention grabbing. Because the next thing after the title that keeps a reader’s attention is the foreword and the majority of readers will determine a story’s worthiness by the foreword. And I will exit your story with one glance at your foreword if this was not a review. Try making an effort on the foreword next time and I guarantee you a surprise from readers.
Storyline - 10/15
ClichÈ will be the word that I use to generalize your plot. With one protagonist carrying a disease and then enters the heart wrenching romance with a death ending is a very common plot that has been recycled over and over again ever since Shakespeare. However with today’s collection of classics and bestseller books it is extremely hard to come up with a plot that is one hundred percent unique and unused, so I didn’t take much points off for that. I really liked how you added your own flavor in the plot by entering a sick Yunho in the end; that was a twist I least expected but it was part of my hypothesis. You did a great job in enriching the plot, which lessens the obviousness. But there is still more room for creativities to cover the commonness.
Story Flow - 7/15
Rushed, that is all I can say about the flow of the story. There were many scenes where I think you could’ve stretched it more. For example the development of Yunho and YooJin’s friendship could use more details and time, and the appearance of Yunho’s mother in the end could definitely use some more spotlights. But since you used flashbacks to back some scenes up I didn’t go too hard on you but you lack thoroughness, which I will get deeper into it later.
Character Development - 5/15
Character development is essentially related to the flow of the story because a character’s development is dependent on the flow of the story. Besides from the impression of YooJin’s attachment to Yunho and vice versa, there weren’t many changes in their characteristics. And YooJin’s attachment was rather rushed, recalling from above (story flow). There were barely any layers in the characters so I gave you a five. I hope you can develop stronger and more thorough layers of characterisation next time.
Descriptions - 6/10
I noticed that you made an effort to be descriptive so a point there. However your descriptions are rather plain and sometimes awkward. You could use better word choices and phrases to enhance the image you’re trying to plant in the reader’s mind. Remember a sentence’s meaning and its depth all depends on how you juggle your vocabularies and phrases (I will talk more about this later). Try keeping a thesaurus by your side next time; it makes a huge a difference.
Example:
Original: As she reached the top she was already out of breath huffing and puffing
Edited: By the time she reached the top she was already gasping for air and trying to catch her breath.
Spelling/Grammar – 2.5/5
Spelling doesn’t seem like a problem to you, however it was the grammars that killed the points. You tend to get the tenses mixed up, and there were a lot of run on sentences. Make sure you reread your sentences a couple of times before moving on. There were some typos every now and then throughout your writing. Besides from that you just need to use your vocabularies correctly. Make sure you use a word only if you understand what it means and under what circumstances should you use it. It really makes a difference.
Example o1:
Original: “I was always ready.” Yunho smirked and stuck out his hand.
Edited: “I’m always ready.” Yunho smirked and stuck out his hand.
Because Yunho is indicating the past and present the sentence should be in present tense. “I was always ready” means that Yunho was ready before but not in the present. Computers can’t detect mistakes like this because as a sentence it is correct, but connection wise it clashes.
I do recommend you plug in your commas.
Captivating - 5/10
Like I’ve mentioned before the plot was rather obvious, and the flow was rushed, so I wasn’t very intrigued. I’m really big on flow and descriptions because I like imagine the scenes in my head as layers of characteristics development, just as I’m part of the cast. And honestly said I didn’t get the chance to experience that with your story.
Ending - 2/5
Rushed and confusing.
Your ending was very hasty, it lost me and I had to reread it again to understand the contents. I really can’t emphasize this enough flow and description, flow and description. Your ending and throughout the story, lacks a decent flow and also through the descriptions. Especially the background detail for Yunho’s reason to refuse medication.
FINAL SCORE: 45/100
Appearance – 4.5/5
I personally don’t believe that a story’s appearance (poster) have anything to do with a story’s quality unless the background is blinding. But since this is required on the rubric I’ll just express some of my opinions. Your picture choices went fairly well with the characters’ characteristics, and you’ve once again set the mood to the story again, great job. I’m a designer myself and I understand how much time and effort a poster designer puts on their arts, regardless of the final result. Since a poster’s appearance depends on skills and that is not something you can master in a day or two, it needs practice. So I won’t nail you on that either. But I did take half a point off because I feel that if you had a polished designer make the poster you can grab more readers’ attention by ten percent. Besides from that I’m all about the old saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” But then again there are not many people who don’t judge by the cover.
Forewords - 1/10
People have different perspectives for forewords. Some used the foreword to introduce themselves, characters and the plot while there were people who used it for prologue. And I’m fine with both as long as they are attention grabbing. Because the next thing after the title that keeps a reader’s attention is the foreword and the majority of readers will determine a story’s worthiness by the foreword. And I will exit your story with one glance at your foreword if this was not a review. Try making an effort on the foreword next time and I guarantee you a surprise from readers.
Storyline - 10/15
ClichÈ will be the word that I use to generalize your plot. With one protagonist carrying a disease and then enters the heart wrenching romance with a death ending is a very common plot that has been recycled over and over again ever since Shakespeare. However with today’s collection of classics and bestseller books it is extremely hard to come up with a plot that is one hundred percent unique and unused, so I didn’t take much points off for that. I really liked how you added your own flavor in the plot by entering a sick Yunho in the end; that was a twist I least expected but it was part of my hypothesis. You did a great job in enriching the plot, which lessens the obviousness. But there is still more room for creativities to cover the commonness.
Story Flow - 7/15
Rushed, that is all I can say about the flow of the story. There were many scenes where I think you could’ve stretched it more. For example the development of Yunho and YooJin’s friendship could use more details and time, and the appearance of Yunho’s mother in the end could definitely use some more spotlights. But since you used flashbacks to back some scenes up I didn’t go too hard on you but you lack thoroughness, which I will get deeper into it later.
Character Development - 5/15
Character development is essentially related to the flow of the story because a character’s development is dependent on the flow of the story. Besides from the impression of YooJin’s attachment to Yunho and vice versa, there weren’t many changes in their characteristics. And YooJin’s attachment was rather rushed, recalling from above (story flow). There were barely any layers in the characters so I gave you a five. I hope you can develop stronger and more thorough layers of characterisation next time.
Descriptions - 6/10
I noticed that you made an effort to be descriptive so a point there. However your descriptions are rather plain and sometimes awkward. You could use better word choices and phrases to enhance the image you’re trying to plant in the reader’s mind. Remember a sentence’s meaning and its depth all depends on how you juggle your vocabularies and phrases (I will talk more about this later). Try keeping a thesaurus by your side next time; it makes a huge a difference.
Example:
Original: As she reached the top she was already out of breath huffing and puffing
Edited: By the time she reached the top she was already gasping for air and trying to catch her breath.
Spelling/Grammar – 2.5/5
Spelling doesn’t seem like a problem to you, however it was the grammars that killed the points. You tend to get the tenses mixed up, and there were a lot of run on sentences. Make sure you reread your sentences a couple of times before moving on. There were some typos every now and then throughout your writing. Besides from that you just need to use your vocabularies correctly. Make sure you use a word only if you understand what it means and under what circumstances should you use it. It really makes a difference.
Example o1:
Original: “I was always ready.” Yunho smirked and stuck out his hand.
Edited: “I’m always ready.” Yunho smirked and stuck out his hand.
Because Yunho is indicating the past and present the sentence should be in present tense. “I was always ready” means that Yunho was ready before but not in the present. Computers can’t detect mistakes like this because as a sentence it is correct, but connection wise it clashes.
I do recommend you plug in your commas.
Captivating - 5/10
Like I’ve mentioned before the plot was rather obvious, and the flow was rushed, so I wasn’t very intrigued. I’m really big on flow and descriptions because I like imagine the scenes in my head as layers of characteristics development, just as I’m part of the cast. And honestly said I didn’t get the chance to experience that with your story.
Ending - 2/5
Rushed and confusing.
Your ending was very hasty, it lost me and I had to reread it again to understand the contents. I really can’t emphasize this enough flow and description, flow and description. Your ending and throughout the story, lacks a decent flow and also through the descriptions. Especially the background detail for Yunho’s reason to refuse medication.
FINAL SCORE: 45/100
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Review done by msninjaah from Eternal Happiness [www.eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]
Reviewer’s Note:
I apologize for any offensive opinions, but I hope you understand that I meant no harm. My opinions are only what I personally think and for you to take into consideration. Our goal is to help you improve your writing journey, so please do not let any negativity be formed because of a few words.
I apologize for any offensive opinions, but I hope you understand that I meant no harm. My opinions are only what I personally think and for you to take into consideration. Our goal is to help you improve your writing journey, so please do not let any negativity be formed because of a few words.
Thank you and good luck !
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