First Snow, First Kiss - starryeyedlove

 FIRST SNOW, FIRST KISS - starryeyedlove

Review by yveT.Te

Title - 5/5

I liked the way you have used repetition in your title. This can help grab the attention of readers who are scrolling down a list full of stories. Your title also suited your one-shot well since it did fit into your storyline. Well done!

Appearance - 3/5

Your background and poster are very simple and doesn’t have anything too special or unique about them. I recommend your poster having at least the two main characters of your one shot. This gives the reader a clear image of your characters, especially since you don’t have much description of your characters within your one-shot. There are a lot of great sites out there who specialise in making these kind of things so don’t be afraid to request from them!

However, I will give you points as your poster contains a significant area to the characters in your one-shot. Your text was also very clear to read.

Forewords - 7/10

Your forewords are short but I can understand this as it is only for a one-shot. Nevertheless, although it was short and brief, it did sum up your whole storyline so I gave you marks for that. Both your characters were also introduced, giving the readers a little insight on what their personalities are like. That’s good!

However, it wouldn’t hurt to add some descriptions for your characters, right? This would help make up for the loss of your characters in the poster. Even though a description in the forewords isn’t a compulsory thing, it would make it easier for the readers to have a very clear image of who your characters are. I know that for some readers the element of surprise is a nice factor, but there are also others who prefer to have a crystal clear understanding of the characters before the story even begins.  

On the other hand, I like how you’ve quoted a song that fits your storyline well.

Storyline - 13/15

I think that your storyline was typical but nevertheless, quite good. Although I have read some stories similar to this, yours was still quite enjoyable to read. Even though I could slightly predict what could happen in the ending, I was still captivated as to how your character “Sarah” would deal with this problem.

The problems that your characters were faced with are quite realistic. There is a possibility that your readers can relate to your storyline, thus getting them emotionally connected to your one-shot.

Story Flow - 13/15

At first, your story flowed smoothly but began to pick up the pace as it progressed. I noticed that your story’s pace picked up when you started writing the time and date at the start of each section, like you would in a diary entry. I know you’ve written that Sarah’s birthday is on the 29^th, so my guess is that you slightly rushed the pace to get to her birthday quicker.

Character Development - 13/15

I know that with a lot of one-shots, it’s hard for most readers to really feel close to all the characters within your story. During your story, it seems that we learnt a lot more about Sarah then we did about Onew. Don’t forget to concentrate on your other characters too!

Overall, your characters were very consistent throughout your one-shot.

Descriptions - 7/10

There wasn’t very much description in your one-shot but I did see some that were quite good. I particularly liked the description, “Onew walked along the empty street, shivering from the cold.” It wasn’t just any street, it was an empty street. Not only that, he wasn’t just walking, he was shivering as well. I really like it!

Within your one-shot, it seems that you’ve only really described what Sarah looked like, a “beautiful” girl with “long, wavy blonde hair” and “beautiful clear blue eyes”. What about Onew? As I said before, don’t forget about your other characters!

Spelling and Grammar - 3/5

Although I didn’t see any spelling mistakes, there were quite a few grammatical errors. There are some unnecessary words in some of your sentences such as, “It still doesn’t even feel like Christmas to her.” In this particular sentence, you can only choose either the word “still” or “even” and cannot use them both together as they basically mean the same thing.

The sentence, “It amazed him that his heart still beat so fast every time he saw her,” doesn’t quite make sense. It could be, “It amazed him how his heart still beats so fast every time he saw her,” or “It amazed him that his heat still beats so fast every time he saw her”. The second suggestion is closer to yours, only adding the letter ‘s’ to the word “beat”.

There was one sentence where I think you missed a word, “But she couldn’t but feel upset.” Should it be, ‘But she couldn’t help but feel upset.”?

I noticed how you start some sentences with the word “and”. During primary school, my teachers had taught me not to start a sentence with the word “and” but I know that these days, this rule is no longer as strict as it was before. I don’t mind how you do this as it does fit in some places, but you have to be careful as it is sometimes unnecessary to have it or can be replaced with a better word. For example, you’ve written, “And so she headed to bed with high hopes for the next day.” You don’t really need to have the word “And” here and can just leave it as “So she headed to bed with high hopes for the next day.”

I’ve also noticed that you use “…” quite a lot throughout your one-shot. I particularly don’t mind if you use it inside a character’s speech or thought as it’s a sign of hesitation, but when you use it for the storyline, it looks quite informal. However, I do realise you’ve used it as a feeling of suspense.

There were also two places in which you placed lower case letters instead of capital letters. The sentence “ “So, what do you want to do?” he asked her, hoping to avoid the topic for the time being.” The letter ‘h’ in the word “he” should be a capital letter as it follows a question mark.  The other sentence, “ “Huh?” she muttered as she put her hand up to feel her cheek,” again, because the word follows a question mark, the letter ‘s’ in the word “she” should be a capital letter.

That aside, as I said before, I didn’t see any spelling mistakes so, well done!

 Captivating - 10/10

As I said before, even though I’ve read some stories similar to this one, I still enjoyed reading yours and didn’t sway from my computer screen while reading it. Good job!

Ending - 4/5

Although I had a little prediction of how the ending might turn out, it was still nice to read how you ended it. As well as that, but Onew finally showed up again!

Bonus Points - 5/5

Full points for requesting with Eternal Happiness! Furthermore, if I was your sister, this would be a really nice present to receive! I hope she enjoyed your present and had a great birthday!

FINAL SCORE: 83/100

Well done and congratulations on your final score! I wish you all the best for your future fanfictions! ;3

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Review done by yveT.Te from Eternal Happiness 
[www.eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]