One Year - Sunshine94

One Year - Sunshine94

Review by Han

Title - 4.5/5

I think your title “One Year” fit your fan fiction very well. I took half a point away as it lacks that WOW factor. If I saw it on a long list, being the critique I am, I would have scrolled past it. But it matches your story, so well done!

Appearance - 2.5/5

I like the colour scheme, as blue is Yoona’s favourite colour, however I found your poster to be quite blurry and therefore it didn’t capture my attention as much as I would have hoped. Next time be sure to find more HQ photos.

Forewords - 10/10

Your forewords was well written and informative, something I don’t see very often so well done. I like how you introduced every single character. Great job!

Storyline - 12/15

Your storyline was great! I enjoyed reading it, a lot of twists happened that I didn’t expect which is a great way to capture a reader. Well done!

Story Flow - 8/15

Your story flow was consistent and well paced in the beginning and the middle, however the final chapter annoyed me as it seemed a little rush. For me, the ending is the most important part, it sums up the story and is the last thing a reader will remember about your story, so the ending must always be the best part. Having it a little rushed was a bit disappointing. Also there were a few things that made me stop and re-read and then question (grammar etc.)

For example:

You said: Only Leeteuk was married, and then you say “… that Taeyeon, Sohee, and Hyoyeon are married to them “ and then you say “…I can’t believe that Leeteuk, Heechul, and their wife or girlfriend are going to stay a little longer.” and then you say “…Hyoyeon was Yoona’s age, and she hung out with Yoona, Jessica, and Yuri a lot. It was just so weird to see that one of her best friends was married to her brother.”

I didn’t know what you were trying to say, so I just stuck to your first statement which meant that Sohee and Hyoyeon were only girlfriends. Make sure you re-read and edit your work. Things like this will make readers move on from your story to another one.

Character Development - 15/15

Full marks here! YAY! Your characters were very well developed, each character changed based on their situations and I loved how the characters matured at a reasonable rate throughout. Furthermore, they kept their individuality which is always a good thing.

Descriptions - 4/10

There was minimal description in your story and that was a let down seeing as your characters and storyline were so well developed. There was little imagery in your story and I had to try and create in my mind what the world around the main characters looked like. Although you sometimes gave descriptions of what they were wearing you hardly described the settings, and that in turn can be just as important as the characters.

For example:

You said:“It had a little pond, a large fountain, trees, flowers, and statues everywhere.” 

It could have been: “The garden was spacious, a small pond was located to the far left and a large fountain was the focal point in the middle of the garden. Trees were planted along the right hand side with flowers and statues spread out in different directions.”

You said: “It was a pretty big club” (all clubs are a “pretty big“ especially in the capital city.)

It could have been: “The club was huge, enough to hold a crowd of at least 300 people.”

I’m not saying my examples are perfect examples but you need to put more thought into your descriptions, readers like to have at least a vague idea of what everything looks like rather than trying to imagine the setting and think about the characters at the same time.

Correct Spelling/Grammar - 2/5

There were quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes throughout your story and I’m only going to point out a few.

For example:

You said: “He’s just stupid that he didn’t appreciate you while you were with him,”

It should be: "He's stupid for not appreciating you while you were with him,"

Reason: Grammtically incorrect.

You said: She looked up on the ceiling and sniffled a little.

It should be: She looked up AT the ceiling and sniffled a little.

Reason: Your expression is wrong, you can’t look up ON a ceiling, you can’t look ON anything really. You an look AT something though. Be careful with your expressions as they change the meaning of the entire sentence.

You said: “She had been calling Yoona several times to be sent to voicemail every single time.”

It should be: “She had called Yoona several times, but she was directed to voice mail every single time.”

Reason: You change from present tense to past time in the one sentence and this confuses readers. Try to stay in either PRESENT or PAST tense, don’t alternate between the two.

You said: Yoona grinned to herself as she lounged on a couch as she watched some television.

It should be: Yoona grinned to herself as she watched some television from the comfort of the couch.

Reason: You used AS too many times, making the sentence seem to crowded and confusing.

You said: Yoona was throwing up into a toilet

It should be: Yoona was throwing up into the toilet.

Reason: Unless the family bathroom has more than one toilet you should use THE, A refers to one of many.

You said: “know how you look like”

It is: “know WHAT you look like”

Reason: This one really annoyed me, >_<. HOW is used when you are referring to instructions, like HOW TO or HOW can you? WHAT is used when you are referring to something e.g WHAT is that, WHAT does that sound like, WHAT does that look like.

You said: “adult woman”

It should be: either a woman or an adult

Reason: You can’t be an adult woman, you’re either a woman or an adult because woman is the adult version of girl.

You said: “…they agreed to keep their mouths shut about it.”

It should be: “…they agreed to keep quite about it.“

Reason: “Mouths shut.” seems a bit rude considering she’s talking about her brother and sister-in-law to be.

You said: “pinned the front hair to her head up”

It could be: “she pinned her hair up.”

Reason: The expression is confusing and wrong.

You said: “drove off into her car.”

It should be: “drove off in her car.”

Reason: You made it sound like she drove off and ‘crashed’ into her own car.

Here are a few more phrases that I felt didn’t quite make sense:

“Yoona smiled for real to see that maybe her best friend” (instead of for real you should use something like sincerely.)

“…hated the fact that he could understand at his position.” (I don‘t know what you were trying to say here, do you mean he could understand his current situation?)

“He let me go and promised that he won’t tell Leeteuk or Heechul.” (change of present to past tense)

“but I myself to be at fault, too,” Siwon explained” (I and myself mean the same thing.)

“He quickly looked over and saw that he saw his dear Yoona looking” (use of saw twice is unnecessary )

“went straight to Yoona’s table with Siwon.” (makes it sound like Seunghyun approached Yoona with Siwon, should be Yoon and Siwon’s table.)

“Yoona could do nothing as Seunghyun took her hand and made her exit along with the two men.” (sounds like there were two other men besides Seunghyun and Taeyang.It was probably better to just say “exit along with him and Taeyang.)

“Taeyang waved and said goodbye as he left the couple all alone in the car. He started to drive home as Yoona crossed her arms with anger.” - (Taeyang had gone home, he didn't drive. Saying he after you mentioning Taeyang, makes readers think you’re still talking about Taeyang.)

“He did want to go with to come with her to the doctor’s appointment” (it seemed like you changed your mind half way while writing this, make sure you edit your work.)

“counseled” (counselled)

“signaling” (signalling, I felt you used this word too often, try and find another word.)

“gynecologist“ (gynaecologist)

“shopping center” (shopping centre)

I’ll stop here instead of pointing out all your tiny mistakes. Just be sure you proof read your work. If it helps, read a lot of books to find the correct expressions, or get someone else to read your work before you post it.

Keeping Interest - 5/10

Your story was very interesting and I enjoyed it, after reading your story I had a huge urge to listen to T.O.P’s voice in every Big Bang song I had. >_< However because of all the little mistakes you made I didn’t feel the motivation to continue reading as much as I did in the beginning.

Ending - 3/5

Your overall ending was great, I took marks off because it was rushed.

Bonus Points - 5/5

You get bonus points for utilising AsianFanfics feature to be able to add photos within your text. I enjoyed seeing the photos as they let the readers take a break from words.

You also get bonus points for waiting for so long. We apologise for the delay because of personal reasons maimai was unable to do your request.

FINAL SCORE: 81/100

Thank you for requesting with Eternal Happiness and we hope you request from us again soon!

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Review by Han from Eternal Happiness

[http://eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]