Review by yveT.Te
Title: 3/5
For a reader who has to scroll through a whole list of other fan fictions, you title doesn’t really seem very eye catching. I have given you points though, as your title is some-what relates to your one-shot.
Appearance: 1/5
Although I’m not too familiar with Asianfanfics’ layout settings, I’m pretty sure that you are able to put at least a poster for your fanfic. This category is mostly based on the fanfiction’s background and/or poster. That being said, since you don’t have a poster or background, I can’t really give you points for this category.
However, in your case, I’ve decided to mark it on the structure of your one-shot. Here, I’ve particularly looked at the use of paragraphs. The use of paragraphs stops the page from looking so cluttered and messy. It’s also easier to read.
Again, your one-shot looks as if it’s been cramped into one paragraph. I recommend leaving a line before the start of a new paragraph.
Forewords: 4/10
I’ve seen that your one-shot is very short, so you probably didn’t want to be giving too much away. The purpose of the forewords is to get your readers hooked onto your fanfiction. However, your forewords are really very short. I suggest that you at least add some character descriptions to make it longer.
I have given you points for at least including it at all.
Storyline: 7/15
Despite having a small one-shot, there is a storyline in your fanfiction so I have given you points for that. Although a little cliché, your storyline is very cute and does make sense. Aside from that, I also noticed a little humour. Good job!
Story Flow: 13/15
Your one-shot flowed well. I found that it wasn’t too fast and not too slow either. Just the right pace!
Well done!
Character Development: 9/15
Within your one-shot, it seems as though Junsu’s character is well more developed compared to Jaejoong. The readers learn more about Junsu’s type of character than Jaejoongs. Remember, getting the readers to understand all your characters equally makes it easier for them to understand what’s happening in your fanfiction.
Descriptions: 10/10
You’ve used a lot of various descriptions and they are all very well written and can clearly be pictured in your readers’ minds.
My particular favourite is, “No corner of the room is left empty.” Although it’s a small line, sometimes it’s the small thing that counts.
Great work!
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Your spelling was excellent! I didn’t spot a single mistake.
This was probably a typo, but I’ll point it out anyway. In this line, “The sounds of a huff and the shuffling of feet lets he know he has succeeded.”, you’ve written “he” instead of “him”.
So instead, it should be, “The sounds of a huff and the shuffling of feet lets him know that he has succeeded.”
Also, remember that when a character is talking, it should be inserted to a new line.
Captivating: 8/10
With the use of your wonderful description, it only helps your one-shot to become more captivating. I certainly didn’t sway from reading your one-shot. Well done!
Ending: 4/5
Even though it was predictable and cliché, it was still nice to read it. The little humour at the end was a nice tough and I like how you’ve ended it with, “a kiss that promises so much more before the night is out.”
Bonus Points: 5/5
For requesting at Eternal Happiness! Thank you!
FINAL SCORE: 68/100
Congratulations and Good Luck with your future fanfictions! ;3
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Review done by yveT.Te from Eternal Happiness
[http://www.eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]
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