HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KIM JONGHYUN

They Are My Everything - Reny

They Are My Everything - Reny

Review by yveT.Te

Title: 5/5

There’s nothing wrong with it, which is great. It does have an effect of capturing some of the readers’ attention who are scrolling down through a list of fanfics.

Appearance: 3/5

The font on your poster is quite light and a bit hard to read, perhaps next time use a darker colour for it. The photos in the poster are also a bit blurry. Next time, try finding some high quality pictures to use. A poster can help capture the attention of readers as well as set the overall mood of the fanfic.

Forewords: 7/10

The forewords are short and simple. It does contain a brief introduction of the main character and tells the readers what the story is going to be about. As well as that, you’ve included a quote which can help capture the attention of readers.  

Just a little correction though, “He was 16 but he still got a cute look.” – Instead it should be, “He was sixteen, but he’s still got a cute look.”

Storyline: 13/15

Your plot is very unique and I’ve never read something quite like this before. It was slightly predictable though, as halfway through the one shot I was able to predict that it would just be a dream of some sort.

Story Flow: 14/15

Your one shot flows nicely and is consistent throughout the whole one shot. It doesn’t go too fast so it doesn’t confuse your readers.

Character Development: 13/15

The character development for your main character Chinen is really good. As I’m not familiar with Chinen, I probably won’t understand his character like some of your other readers. However, I did learn a little bit about him through your fanfic.

Descriptions: 7/10

You do have description, which is great but there aren't any descriptions that particularly stand out.  The descriptions you used were quite common such as the word “tall.” You’ve used it frequently throughout your fanfic, but there are other words for this such as “giant” or “large”. Try using a thesaurus to help. It usually gives a greater effect and adds a dynamics to your story.

Spelling/Grammar: 3/5

There are a lot of small mistakes which could easily have been avoided through more editing. Although I didn’t really spot any spelling mistakes, there were quite a few grammatical errors. For example, “He would turn 17 just in a few more hours.” –Instead it should be “He would turn seventeen [in] just a few more hours.” There are quite a few others in your fanfic where words are in the wrong place but again, this could have easily been avoided through more editing and proof reading.

Captivating: 9/10

As I’ve said before, I’ve never read something quite like this. A unique plot is the main component in captivating your audience.

Ending: 3/5

Unforetunately the ending became slightly predictable halfway through the one shot. But the ending was still nice to read.

Bonus Points: 5/5

For requesting with Eternal Happiness. Also, thank you for waiting so patiently! I’m sorry it took a very long time to finish your request. =.=”  All the best with your future fanfictions :3

TOTAL SCORE: 82/100

Thank you for requesting with Eternal Happiness and we hope you request from us again soon!

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Review by yveT.Te from Eternal Happiness

[http://eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]

It's Too Late - Yuuka a.k.a Tikachan

It's Too Late - Yuuka a.k.a Tikachan

Review by Ishwarya

Title – 4/5

You’ve chosen a very apt title for your storyline. However, it is always safe to avoid negativity in your title. With the title, “It’s Too Late” I get a negative impression of your story, which should be avoided.

Appearance - 5/5

A beautiful poster and a pleasant background. Well Done!

Forewords - 5/10

I’m sorry, but your foreword was not well written. I expect a little more of a description and an even more interesting start to your story. As you haven’t completed it yet, take your time to write the forewords. Finish your story, and then edit your forewords.

Storyline - 9/15

I was confused on how to score you in this criterion, as you haven’t completed it yet. But I’ll certainly ask you to work harder because, up until now, your story is like any other love to hate stories I’ve read. All the Best Yuuka!

Story Flow - 8/15

The flow was a bit too slow. This is because you wanted to include every tag bit of detail. Please avoid this. However, if you take my advice and increase your flow in the following chapters, then your story would flow smoothly. So, here’s my suggestion- edit a few parts of your story till now, so that the following chapters won't seem too fast.

Character Development - 10/15

You developed your characters efficiently.

You stuck to your character descriptions, which impressed me.

I could picturise your characters well. That’s an amazing capability.

Descriptions - 7/10

Your descriptions were simple and easy to understand. I assume English is not your first language, so at times, the descriptions did sound pretty weird. But it’s alright. I appreciate your effort to write in English.

Spelling and Grammar - 3/5

I didn’t spot any terrible spelling errors, other than typos. However for your grammar and vocabulary, I’d suggest you to solve a lot of workbooks. Many a times, ornamenting your sentences with complex words, impresses your readers a lot. It gives out a good impression, you know,

Captivating - 6/10

Even though your story is your original creation, but I couldn’t seem to ignore the monotonicity. Do try to include more interesting sequences to make it more captivating.

Ending – N/A

You will be assessed out of 95, as you haven’t ended your story yet.

Bonus Points - 5/5

Thank you for requesting at Eternal Happiness! And I apologize for the delay.

FINAL SCORE: 62/95

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Review done by Ishwarya from Eternal Happiness

[http://www.eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]

Blind Emotions - Silence113

Blind Emotions - Silence113

Review by Ishwarya

Title – 4/5

You’ve chosen a very apt title for your storyline. I’m impressed. When I read your forewords, I understood the meaning of the title. We say, ‘Love is blind’ and so are the emotions. So, your title is really good.

Appearance - 3/5

The poster gives an impression of some movie banner. ^__^ I like it. However, I would have preferred a better use and positions of the pictures. Even the colour could have been a little bit more grayish (this is completely my POV). And, “be happy always” should be ‘always be happy” and “Follow” has been written as “follor”. This is the reason, I deducted 2 marks.

Forewords - 8/10

Your foreword was well written. You gave a proper introduction to the story, and also described the main characters.

I was also impressed with your grammar skills.

The forewords in one of the key points of a story, so, if you mess it up here, readers may lose interest. However, you didn’t do so. You aroused my interest and made me read it till the end.

Storyline - 10/15

Your story has a nice ending. However, we do get a lot of love triangles to read. So your plot wasn’t that outstanding. It was a sweet, cute and a lively description of the lives of three people.

Story Flow - 12/15

The flow was smooth. You did not rush it at all. As it was just five chapters, you could have extended your ending a little more.

Character Development - 10/15

You developed your characters efficiently.

You stuck to your character descriptions, which impressed me.

However, you did not quite describe the looks of your characters. Most of the time, I had to picturise the three main characters by myself, like how they must be looking or how their expressions are. I hope you can correct this flaw.

Descriptions - 7/10

Your descriptions were simple and easy to understand. However, I found it tough to picturise your settings and creation. You could have included some extravagant dream sequences, and invite your readers to be a part of it, by explaining it efficiently.

Spelling and Grammar - 5/5

No flaws at all. There were no spellings, typo or grammatical errors. However, I feel the usage of “yea” or “yeah” is rude. While writing, I generally prefer to write “yup” or”yes”. I noticed that a fellow reviewer has pointed this out; I’d like to second her thought.

Captivating - 7/10

Even though your story was good, and I read it till the end, you know how someone feels when they read almost the same thing every time? That’s what I felt.

Ending - 3/5

A happy ending makes everyone happy.

Bonus Points - 5/5

Thank you for requesting at Eternal Happiness! And I apologize for the delay. Your request was passed onto me, as one of our reviewers left unexpectedly. Anyway, continue to write more, and don’t forget to request again!

FINAL SCORE: 74/100 

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Review done by Ishwarya from Eternal Happiness

[http://www.eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]

Routine - PachesLily

Routine - PachesLily

Review by yveT.Te

Title: 3/5

For a reader who has to scroll through a whole list of other fan fictions, you title doesn’t really seem very eye catching. I have given you points though, as your title is some-what relates to your one-shot.

Appearance: 1/5

Although I’m not too familiar with Asianfanfics’ layout settings, I’m pretty sure that you are able to put at least a poster for your fanfic. This category is mostly based on the fanfiction’s background and/or poster. That being said, since you don’t have a poster or background, I can’t really give you points for this category.

 However, in your case, I’ve decided to mark it on the structure of your one-shot. Here, I’ve particularly looked at the use of paragraphs. The use of paragraphs stops the page from looking so cluttered and messy. It’s also easier to read.

Again, your one-shot looks as if it’s been cramped into one paragraph. I recommend leaving a line before the start of a new paragraph.

Forewords: 4/10

I’ve seen that your one-shot is very short, so you probably didn’t want to be giving too much away.  The purpose of the forewords is to get your readers hooked onto your fanfiction. However, your forewords are really very short. I suggest that you at least add some character descriptions to make it longer.

I have given you points for at least including it at all.

Storyline: 7/15

Despite having a small one-shot, there is a storyline in your fanfiction so I have given you points for that. Although a little cliché, your storyline is very cute and does make sense. Aside from that, I also noticed a little humour. Good job!

Story Flow: 13/15

Your one-shot flowed well. I found that it wasn’t too fast and not too slow either. Just the right pace! 

Well done!

Character Development:  9/15

Within your one-shot, it seems as though Junsu’s character is well more developed compared to Jaejoong. The readers learn more about Junsu’s type of character than Jaejoongs. Remember, getting the readers to understand all your characters equally makes it easier for them to understand what’s happening in your fanfiction.

  

Descriptions: 10/10

You’ve used a lot of various descriptions and they are all very well written and can clearly be pictured in your readers’ minds.

My particular favourite is, “No corner of the room is left empty.” Although it’s a small line, sometimes it’s the small thing that counts.

Great work!

Spelling/Grammar: 4/5

Your spelling was excellent! I didn’t spot a single mistake.

This was probably a typo, but I’ll point it out anyway. In this line, “The sounds of a huff and the shuffling of feet lets he know he has succeeded.”, you’ve written  “he” instead of “him”.

So instead, it should be, “The sounds of a huff and the shuffling of feet lets him know that he has succeeded.”

Also, remember that when a character is talking, it should be inserted to a new line.

Captivating: 8/10

With the use of your wonderful description, it only helps your one-shot to become more captivating. I certainly didn’t sway from reading your one-shot. Well done!

Ending: 4/5

Even though it was predictable and cliché, it was still nice to read it. The little humour at the end was a nice tough and I like how you’ve ended it with, “a kiss that promises so much more before the night is out.”

Bonus Points: 5/5

For requesting at Eternal Happiness! Thank you!

FINAL SCORE: 68/100

Congratulations and Good Luck with your future fanfictions! ;3

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Review done by yveT.Te from Eternal Happiness

[http://www.eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]

A Sweet Black Day - Ginny

A Sweet Black Day by Ginny

Review by x3_strucked

Title: 4/5

I must say but your title is quite an interesting one, it is also quite a confusing one. As a reader, the first time I saw this title I was quite confused, I wondered to myself, is this story angst? Or was this story a ‘black’ humour? Or was this story a ‘sweet’ romance? These are one of those titles that really mess up with your head because you can’t tell what the story portrays when reading the title. And that’s a good thing because you want to keep a good level of suspense for the readers, in doing so, readers will want to click on the title to read the story. If I was one of these readers, I would pretty much do the same, so good job.  But I do hope that this title somewhat represents the plot of the story, because as much as titles go, random titles are a bit on the down side.

Appearance: 3.5/5

I can’t exactly say that the appearance of your entire fanfic was appealing, but it was simple and that is a good path that you as an author has chosen to set forward to. The thing I’m most bothered about when reading winglin fanfics is that most fanfics have backgrounds that are so complicated that it completely overshadows the text of the story. I myself don’t think readers would bother wanting to read a fanfic with such colourful backgrounds because the text clearly becomes unreadable. Yours was exactly not the case, the background was a simple black colour and the text was pink, simple and it also in a way represents the poster and plot. But looking at the background, I sort of felt that it would be a dark/angst sort of story seeing the black background.

Your poster was a bit shabby in a way, there weren’t really much colours to really appeal to me and adding the dull and moody background that represented it, I clearly did not find it very attractive. But after much thought, it was still attractive in a way, I guess the simplicity of the poster and the colours in it represented the plot in a way. The poster didn’t grab my attention but it was soft and gentle in my eyes and I quite enjoyed the overall appearance of it even though the colours were quite basic.

Forewords: 7/10

The foreword is quite an important part of the story, it brings together everything and conveys the plot in a simple and straightforward manner without leaving too much spoilers. Your foreword was something that I’ve seen a few times but usually quite rare, I mean it’s quite rare to find a foreword entirely focused on the author’s note without giving any details on the plot or characters. That’s not a necessary thing, don’t worry, it’s not in the fanfic law to have a description and plot in the foreword. But I definitely think readers do need to have a clearer idea of the plot before reading the story. But I guess in a way, your story doesn’t exactly NEED a plot description in the foreword since it’s quite a short-chaptered fic. And plus, it creates more suspense together with the rather interesting poster.

Storyline: 13/15

I quite liked the storyline and thank god that the plot and the title connected with each other. Well anyway, yes the plot of the story was quite an original I have to say. It’s quite beautiful how the story is all centred on a certain day and even ended with that same day. And that gives it its uniqueness because this day is the significant day where they discovered their love and it ends with the day where love finally conquers all. In a way, this day in the story is quite unique as the day itself is based around the celebration of “singleness” not love or “togetherness”. It is only because of this day that they had realized their love for each other and thanks to this day, they had finally ended together.

I guess I could say that this is a cliché-like storyline but it has its own uniqueness and originality as a plot that most stories don’t have.  

Flow: 12/15

The flow of the story was I guess, quite pleasant and readable. I must say that as a romance story based on two characters only, there should be more screen time for both characters. When I read the story, it felt like I was just reading from one person’s perspective and that was Ginny’s. I guess that’s okay but as a author you should include both perspectives of the main characters so readers can relate to them in an equal manner. Because Jaejoong had been away most of the time in the story, it was hard to develop a connection with him, it was hard to understand his character because there really wasn’t much described about his past. But otherwise, the flow I must say was pleasant and straightforward.

Character Development: 11.5/15

As I have said from the top, there were bits here and there that felt quite empty that could have been filled up in the story. You gave us the past moments shared between Ginny and Jaejoong, but you never shared with us their personalities, their emotions and how it all affected their life and their love. In the story, Jaejoong was portrayed as a cold and private guy, who only opened up to Ginny. But there was no clear description on why he was like this, did he have personal issues? Did he have a family conflict? And why did he open up to Ginny out of every girl in the world? I understand that he felt sorry for Ginny since she got bullied in the school, but I feel that “pity” would be a poor explanation on how he fell in love with her. But I guess questions like those matter and don’t matter in a way, as long as the character is there and is portrayed well. And your story did it swiftly and quickly.

Descriptions: 7.5/10 

A story has to have a balance between description and dialogue, description is the more important one as it is the main thing that describes all the emotions, the setting, the appearance and the conflict. The dialogue just guides the description in a way, but both have to have a balance in order to get a good fanfic. An uneven balance is a big no, too much description will easily bore a reader, and too much dialogue will easily look too much like a script. The key is finding the balance.

Your story had a balance between description and dialogue, a bit uneven but it was there. I found your story leaning a bit too much on dialogue but it was good, because I think too much descriptions wouldn’t really contribute much to the story. The story needed dialogue more because there were more talk than emotions and descriptions. Most of the descriptions were already described in the first chapter because all the past events were had been taken place.

Correct/Spelling Grammar: 4/5 

Your spelling and vocabulary were quite nearly perfect, I don’t think I found any mistakes in your spelling during the chapters that read. Though I must make a strong note about your grammar, it’s okay I have to say, I can’t say your grammar is correct or absolutely fabulous because it simply can’t be defined that way. What I can say is that your grammar can be improved to get to being perfect, the thing that’s stopping you is your mix up with present and past tense.

Take this for example:

Why did I let myself lost the bag?

It should have been…

Why did I let myself lose the bag?

Because of your incorrect use of present and past tense, the sentence may not look its best since it doesn’t make sense. What you should start doing is to either start getting a beta reader to read over your chapters for you or get a spell checker. But the most important thing is TO KEEP WRITING, because that way you will improve your writing AND grammar!

Keeping Interest: 8/10 

I totally don’t know what this category is but I think I have a vague idea. Well if this is asking me if your story kept my interest in it stable and flowing, then I must say it did. It really did, I guess it’s because of the absence of Jaejoong that motivated me into reading into the end. I would have anyway, but the fact that Jaejoong never returned until the end of the chapter was what kept the suspense going, it motivated me and kept me going.

I must say that the middle chapters were quite dull, but were quite important towards the plot and the past of the story so I found it quite important to understand it before getting towards the ending. And I must say, the ending was perfect, a bit of a cliché with the ex-girlfriend thing. I felt the situation with the girlfriend was quite a forced way into proclaiming Jaejoong’s love for Ginny. Maybe a conflicted situation would have been more suited to the ending, maybe an accident? Or something romantic? Situations like these are good ways to round up the ending, I feel that the ex-girlfriend would have best been of conflict during the middle chapters of a fanfic.

Ending: 4/5 

Simple, straightforward and rounded everything to a point. Pleasant I must say.

Bonus: 5/5 

I wanted to add this bonus for such an interesting setting for a plot, this whole black day situation was what drove the story. It drove their love, and it helped them get together in the end. What an interesting way to describe the happenings of a relationship between a guy and a girl, common ways would be love at first sight or opposites attract. Yours took it to a different approach, good job.

Total: 79.5/100

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I hope that this result won’t make you lose your hope in writing, I did my best to provide a honest and constructive review and honestly, I believe this mark is a very good mark to begin with. What you need to do is just improve on it, so please don’t let this get in the way of you writing. Remember no fanfic is perfect, every fanfic has its ups and downs. Remember to practice and write more because it WILL help you improve.

x3_strucked

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Review done by x3_strucked at Eternal Happiness

[www.eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]

Perfect Lover - babeyelmo

Perfect Lover - babeyelmo

Review by Ishwarya

 

Title - 3/5

Your title is short, simple and sweet. Even though it suits your storyline, I deducted 2 marks because it is not eye-catching. If I were to scroll down a list of story names, I would skip your story. The reason for this being, that the title is common and I would definitely tell myself that it’s the same romantic stories.

Definitely tell myself that it’s the same romantic stories.

Appearance - 3/5

Your poster is too bright and not pleasing to the eyes. I recommend your poster to have a more calming/comical aura. Afterall, your genre is Romance and comedy.

However, I will give you points as your poster contains the main characters.

Forewords - 5/10

Your foreword was short, considering that it was a story containing 20 chapters. +2 points for including all the main details a reader has to know before starting.

I have deducted marks for your poor grammar skills. The forewords in one of the key points of your story, so, if you mess it up here, readers may lose interest. I know I did.

Storyline - 10/15

Although your story had quite a predictable ending, the storyline was captivating. Atleast, I noticed, that your readers stayed put till the end of your fiction.

The meetings of the main characters, flowed with your story quite well, making it sound realistic. You did a great job in scripting the plot, which lessens the obviousness and boredom. But there is still more room for originality to cover the commonness. 

I’d like to mention a particular point here. When Yuri introduced Jiyoung ‘the plushy’ to her neighbor, how come the neighbor ajhumma could not realize the fact that the ‘plushy’ Jiyoung, looked exactly like her nephew Jiyoung?

This was an error in your plot. So always be careful while penning your script.

Story Flow - 12/15

It was too slow and too fast. You did not balance the flow of your story well.

For example, you could have given more instances or situations to show the jealousy building up in Jiyoung. And you could have lessened the school sequences. I feel that you should have emphasized more on the relationship between TOP and his sister SooHyun and Soohyun and Yuri.

Character Development - 13/15

You developed your characters efficiently.

You stuck to your character descriptions, which impressed me.

Kwon JiYoung was a plushy, a human with no feelings, but the way you described the emergence of feelings in him was commendable.

Yuri being a teenage had conflicts in her mind about the person she wanted. Again, impressive.

However, I also noticed that you completely altered her friends name from ‘SooHyun’ to ‘Soo Hyung’. I’ll take it as a typo error.

Sticking to your outline of characters is very important, and you have done well. Keep it up!

Descriptions - 7/10

Your descriptions were simple and easy to understand. However, I found it tough to picturize your settings and creation. It looked more like a dark plot rather than a romantic and fluffy one. You could have included some extravagant dream sequences, and invite your readers to be a part of it, by explaining it efficiently.

Spelling and Grammar - 1/5

There were just too many errors in each and every chapter.

For example,

Yuri shot her eyes open and slam her siren alarm clock to the ground. She yawn and stretch on her bed before getting up to wash her face. After she got dress she got on her computer to check her Perfect Lover account. She scroll down to crushes. Zero.

Should be..

“Yuri opened her eyes and slammed her alarm to the ground. She yawned and stretched on her bed before getting up to wash her face. After she got dressed she sat before her desktop to check her ‘Perfect Lover’ account. She scrolled down to the ‘crushes’ area. Zero.”

I hope you could understand what I mean. Your tenses went hay-wire in the first paragraph of your story. There were similar errors everywhere. Please work on your grammar and improve your skills.

 Captivating - 7/10

I’m sorry. Even though your story was good, and I read it till the end, the numerous grammatical errors turned me off. I was busy re-reading your sentences, than enjoying your story.

Ending - 3/5

If you would have ended with Jiyoung’s death, you might have received more points. With the introduction of the ‘nephew’ Jiyoung, you seriously made the plot more predictable. Nevertheless, well done!

Bonus Points - 5/5

Thank you for requesting at Eternal Happiness!

FINAL SCORE: 69/100