Perfect Lover - babeyelmo

Perfect Lover - babeyelmo

Review by Ishwarya

 

Title - 3/5

Your title is short, simple and sweet. Even though it suits your storyline, I deducted 2 marks because it is not eye-catching. If I were to scroll down a list of story names, I would skip your story. The reason for this being, that the title is common and I would definitely tell myself that it’s the same romantic stories.

Definitely tell myself that it’s the same romantic stories.

Appearance - 3/5

Your poster is too bright and not pleasing to the eyes. I recommend your poster to have a more calming/comical aura. Afterall, your genre is Romance and comedy.

However, I will give you points as your poster contains the main characters.

Forewords - 5/10

Your foreword was short, considering that it was a story containing 20 chapters. +2 points for including all the main details a reader has to know before starting.

I have deducted marks for your poor grammar skills. The forewords in one of the key points of your story, so, if you mess it up here, readers may lose interest. I know I did.

Storyline - 10/15

Although your story had quite a predictable ending, the storyline was captivating. Atleast, I noticed, that your readers stayed put till the end of your fiction.

The meetings of the main characters, flowed with your story quite well, making it sound realistic. You did a great job in scripting the plot, which lessens the obviousness and boredom. But there is still more room for originality to cover the commonness. 

I’d like to mention a particular point here. When Yuri introduced Jiyoung ‘the plushy’ to her neighbor, how come the neighbor ajhumma could not realize the fact that the ‘plushy’ Jiyoung, looked exactly like her nephew Jiyoung?

This was an error in your plot. So always be careful while penning your script.

Story Flow - 12/15

It was too slow and too fast. You did not balance the flow of your story well.

For example, you could have given more instances or situations to show the jealousy building up in Jiyoung. And you could have lessened the school sequences. I feel that you should have emphasized more on the relationship between TOP and his sister SooHyun and Soohyun and Yuri.

Character Development - 13/15

You developed your characters efficiently.

You stuck to your character descriptions, which impressed me.

Kwon JiYoung was a plushy, a human with no feelings, but the way you described the emergence of feelings in him was commendable.

Yuri being a teenage had conflicts in her mind about the person she wanted. Again, impressive.

However, I also noticed that you completely altered her friends name from ‘SooHyun’ to ‘Soo Hyung’. I’ll take it as a typo error.

Sticking to your outline of characters is very important, and you have done well. Keep it up!

Descriptions - 7/10

Your descriptions were simple and easy to understand. However, I found it tough to picturize your settings and creation. It looked more like a dark plot rather than a romantic and fluffy one. You could have included some extravagant dream sequences, and invite your readers to be a part of it, by explaining it efficiently.

Spelling and Grammar - 1/5

There were just too many errors in each and every chapter.

For example,

Yuri shot her eyes open and slam her siren alarm clock to the ground. She yawn and stretch on her bed before getting up to wash her face. After she got dress she got on her computer to check her Perfect Lover account. She scroll down to crushes. Zero.

Should be..

“Yuri opened her eyes and slammed her alarm to the ground. She yawned and stretched on her bed before getting up to wash her face. After she got dressed she sat before her desktop to check her ‘Perfect Lover’ account. She scrolled down to the ‘crushes’ area. Zero.”

I hope you could understand what I mean. Your tenses went hay-wire in the first paragraph of your story. There were similar errors everywhere. Please work on your grammar and improve your skills.

 Captivating - 7/10

I’m sorry. Even though your story was good, and I read it till the end, the numerous grammatical errors turned me off. I was busy re-reading your sentences, than enjoying your story.

Ending - 3/5

If you would have ended with Jiyoung’s death, you might have received more points. With the introduction of the ‘nephew’ Jiyoung, you seriously made the plot more predictable. Nevertheless, well done!

Bonus Points - 5/5

Thank you for requesting at Eternal Happiness!

FINAL SCORE: 69/100

First Snow, First Kiss - starryeyedlove

 FIRST SNOW, FIRST KISS - starryeyedlove

Review by yveT.Te

Title - 5/5

I liked the way you have used repetition in your title. This can help grab the attention of readers who are scrolling down a list full of stories. Your title also suited your one-shot well since it did fit into your storyline. Well done!

Appearance - 3/5

Your background and poster are very simple and doesn’t have anything too special or unique about them. I recommend your poster having at least the two main characters of your one shot. This gives the reader a clear image of your characters, especially since you don’t have much description of your characters within your one-shot. There are a lot of great sites out there who specialise in making these kind of things so don’t be afraid to request from them!

However, I will give you points as your poster contains a significant area to the characters in your one-shot. Your text was also very clear to read.

Forewords - 7/10

Your forewords are short but I can understand this as it is only for a one-shot. Nevertheless, although it was short and brief, it did sum up your whole storyline so I gave you marks for that. Both your characters were also introduced, giving the readers a little insight on what their personalities are like. That’s good!

However, it wouldn’t hurt to add some descriptions for your characters, right? This would help make up for the loss of your characters in the poster. Even though a description in the forewords isn’t a compulsory thing, it would make it easier for the readers to have a very clear image of who your characters are. I know that for some readers the element of surprise is a nice factor, but there are also others who prefer to have a crystal clear understanding of the characters before the story even begins.  

On the other hand, I like how you’ve quoted a song that fits your storyline well.

Storyline - 13/15

I think that your storyline was typical but nevertheless, quite good. Although I have read some stories similar to this, yours was still quite enjoyable to read. Even though I could slightly predict what could happen in the ending, I was still captivated as to how your character “Sarah” would deal with this problem.

The problems that your characters were faced with are quite realistic. There is a possibility that your readers can relate to your storyline, thus getting them emotionally connected to your one-shot.

Story Flow - 13/15

At first, your story flowed smoothly but began to pick up the pace as it progressed. I noticed that your story’s pace picked up when you started writing the time and date at the start of each section, like you would in a diary entry. I know you’ve written that Sarah’s birthday is on the 29^th, so my guess is that you slightly rushed the pace to get to her birthday quicker.

Character Development - 13/15

I know that with a lot of one-shots, it’s hard for most readers to really feel close to all the characters within your story. During your story, it seems that we learnt a lot more about Sarah then we did about Onew. Don’t forget to concentrate on your other characters too!

Overall, your characters were very consistent throughout your one-shot.

Descriptions - 7/10

There wasn’t very much description in your one-shot but I did see some that were quite good. I particularly liked the description, “Onew walked along the empty street, shivering from the cold.” It wasn’t just any street, it was an empty street. Not only that, he wasn’t just walking, he was shivering as well. I really like it!

Within your one-shot, it seems that you’ve only really described what Sarah looked like, a “beautiful” girl with “long, wavy blonde hair” and “beautiful clear blue eyes”. What about Onew? As I said before, don’t forget about your other characters!

Spelling and Grammar - 3/5

Although I didn’t see any spelling mistakes, there were quite a few grammatical errors. There are some unnecessary words in some of your sentences such as, “It still doesn’t even feel like Christmas to her.” In this particular sentence, you can only choose either the word “still” or “even” and cannot use them both together as they basically mean the same thing.

The sentence, “It amazed him that his heart still beat so fast every time he saw her,” doesn’t quite make sense. It could be, “It amazed him how his heart still beats so fast every time he saw her,” or “It amazed him that his heat still beats so fast every time he saw her”. The second suggestion is closer to yours, only adding the letter ‘s’ to the word “beat”.

There was one sentence where I think you missed a word, “But she couldn’t but feel upset.” Should it be, ‘But she couldn’t help but feel upset.”?

I noticed how you start some sentences with the word “and”. During primary school, my teachers had taught me not to start a sentence with the word “and” but I know that these days, this rule is no longer as strict as it was before. I don’t mind how you do this as it does fit in some places, but you have to be careful as it is sometimes unnecessary to have it or can be replaced with a better word. For example, you’ve written, “And so she headed to bed with high hopes for the next day.” You don’t really need to have the word “And” here and can just leave it as “So she headed to bed with high hopes for the next day.”

I’ve also noticed that you use “…” quite a lot throughout your one-shot. I particularly don’t mind if you use it inside a character’s speech or thought as it’s a sign of hesitation, but when you use it for the storyline, it looks quite informal. However, I do realise you’ve used it as a feeling of suspense.

There were also two places in which you placed lower case letters instead of capital letters. The sentence “ “So, what do you want to do?” he asked her, hoping to avoid the topic for the time being.” The letter ‘h’ in the word “he” should be a capital letter as it follows a question mark.  The other sentence, “ “Huh?” she muttered as she put her hand up to feel her cheek,” again, because the word follows a question mark, the letter ‘s’ in the word “she” should be a capital letter.

That aside, as I said before, I didn’t see any spelling mistakes so, well done!

 Captivating - 10/10

As I said before, even though I’ve read some stories similar to this one, I still enjoyed reading yours and didn’t sway from my computer screen while reading it. Good job!

Ending - 4/5

Although I had a little prediction of how the ending might turn out, it was still nice to read how you ended it. As well as that, but Onew finally showed up again!

Bonus Points - 5/5

Full points for requesting with Eternal Happiness! Furthermore, if I was your sister, this would be a really nice present to receive! I hope she enjoyed your present and had a great birthday!

FINAL SCORE: 83/100

Well done and congratulations on your final score! I wish you all the best for your future fanfictions! ;3

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Review done by yveT.Te from Eternal Happiness 
[www.eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]

Am I That Stupid - Kim HeeChul

 AM I THAT STUPID - Kim HeeChul

Review by Pararae

Title - 3/5

Your title suit the plot but, I took away 2 marks because

1.       It is not interesting.

2.       It’s cliché. I have seen the exact title on a few stories I have read before, and it’s not getting better. S, try to find another phrase or quote to fit the title to make it more eye-catching.

 

Appearance - 3/5 

I like the color of your title, but I had to take away a couple of marks because there was no poster and background. Your story looked plain, unattractive, but the color of the font somehow brought a simple radiation to it. So, I would say, it is not so bad, but if you have a poster and background, I could have imagined it would look much better.

Forewords - 7/10

Your foreword is somewhat simple. The only thing that lengthened your foreword is the list of stories that you have written. So I have to take away 3 marks because…

    1.   The summary is too short. You could manipulate the summary by writing a poem, using quotes or phrases, or simply elaborate a meaningful metaphor to reflect the meaning of your story. Even though you only wrote 5 chapters, but it doesn’t mean the summary has to be too simple.

2.       If I have to close my eyes on the story list, I would say your foreword is quite dull. I have seen an interesting, short foreword, but yours is too…dull. Try to be more creative in your forewords, develop a skill to brighten it because the forewords are one of the first impressions a reader gets before jumping to your first chapter, so, pay attention to it next time. It could attract or repel someone from reading your story.

 

Storyline - 14/15

You have a great storyline. I like it a lot. Love stories are so overrated but I can say that I enjoyed your story, which is means something, because I'm not usually keen on reading love stories. I like how you start the story from the middle of their relationship instead of the beginning because writers usually lose tracs when they are writing too many chapters. But I can see that there is a jumpy scene. Taemin and Minho just met by accident, but I remember Taemin said Minho was his stalker for years. So, I don’t see where this connects. Minho just appeared in Taemin’s life for the first time (and was never mention in the first few chapters of the story about Minho stalking Taemin for years) and he had already crawled into his bed and raped him and was accused as being a stalker for years? Try to look into this, you might miss something. Or did I?

Story Flow - 13/15

The flow of the story was going quite well, until around the third chapter where Minho came into the picture. The flow started to run off until the end of the chapter. So try to elaborate more, make sure you use the ‘show not tell’ method to prove any claims in your story such as Minho being the stalker, and Jinki having an affair with someone else rather than Kibum.

Character Development - 12/15

All the characters has been characterized well enough, but Minho is still a question. He is not so important but it’s very crucial to give more insight on him and explain his role as the stalker, rapist and a doctor/psychologist. After all, he plays quite a part in this story. And I would like to know more about Jinki’s affair. I know he should be in the shadow but try to make his existence known in a manipulative way so it wouldn’t be too obvious or too ambiguous.  

Descriptions - 8/10

Well, I wouldn’t say you gave a wonderful description because your story is not so still, like most angst or dramatic stories, but I would say you gave a sufficient amount of it to make your story less like a fairytale. Just try to describe the settings and characters more, you will be alright.

Spelling/Grammar - 4/5

You don’t really have any problema with the spelling and grammar, but I realizes you always forget to put  correct punctuation marks at the right place. So, try to revise or reread our story again because you can spot it quite easily.

Captivating - 9/10

I find your story very interesting despite a jumpy scene and the less develop characteristics of Minho. But while I was enjoying the story, the questions about Minho disturbed my reading, so I had to take away a mark for that.

Ending - 3/5

The ending was good, but quite rushed. Try to extend the timeframe between the ending and Taemin’s statement about Minho and try to elaborate more on Heechul’s role in the ending so it could give a good standing to it.   

Bonus Points - 3/5

I gave you bonus points because…

1.       You wrote an amazing story.

2.       Your grammar and spelling is great!

3.       My apologies for finishing this review late because lately, I've been too busy with my job.  

 

FINAL SCORE: 79/100

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Review done by Pararae from Eternal Happiness 

[www.eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]

 

Memoirs Of Us - sweetestsj

MEMOIRS OF US - sweetestsj
Review by msninjaah

Title - 2/5
“Memoirs of Us” expressed the story reasonably fair; it was quite straight to the point and really foreshadowed the mood of the story. But diction wise I thinking ‘memories’ is a better fit instead of memoirs. Although these two words are literally identical but there is a difference of meaning to it. 

The word memoir is usually used to express a formal sense of memories such as history or a person’s death to express its significance. In addition to that the title is quite common in a way. There is a 50 50 chance that a reader will click on it but, if you encounter a strict reader (like me) it will mostly likely be passed. And one more thing, you’ve stated that the story was a one shot (one chapter tale) but there were more than one chapter. So there is another misusage of terms, which is another major reason why I graded it so hard. In conclusion, I’m someone who is crazy about titles (grammar, diction, meaning, and attention grabbing wise).

Appearance – 4.5/5
I personally don’t believe that a story’s appearance (poster) have anything to do with a story’s quality unless the background is blinding. But since this is required on the rubric I’ll just express some of my opinions. Your picture choices went fairly well with the characters’ characteristics, and you’ve once again set the mood to the story again, great job. I’m a designer myself and I understand how much time and effort a poster designer puts on their arts, regardless of the final result. Since a poster’s appearance depends on skills and that is not something you can master in a day or two, it needs practice. So I won’t nail you on that either. But I did take half a point off because I feel that if you had a polished designer make the poster you can grab more readers’ attention by ten percent. Besides from that I’m all about the old saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” But then again there are not many people who don’t judge by the cover.

Forewords - 1/10
People have different perspectives for forewords. Some used the foreword to introduce themselves, characters and the plot while there were people who used it for prologue. And I’m fine with both as long as they are attention grabbing. Because the next thing after the title that keeps a reader’s attention is the foreword and the majority of readers will determine a story’s worthiness by the foreword. And I will exit your story with one glance at your foreword if this was not a review. Try making an effort on the foreword next time and I guarantee you a surprise from readers.

Storyline - 10/15
ClichÈ will be the word that I use to generalize your plot. With one protagonist carrying a disease and then enters the heart wrenching romance with a death ending is a very common plot that has been recycled over and over again ever since Shakespeare. However with today’s collection of classics and bestseller books it is extremely hard to come up with a plot that is one hundred percent unique and unused, so I didn’t take much points off for that. I really liked how you added your own flavor in the plot by entering a sick Yunho in the end; that was a twist I least expected but it was part of my hypothesis. You did a great job in enriching the plot, which lessens the obviousness. But there is still more room for creativities to cover the commonness.

Story Flow - 7/15
Rushed, that is all I can say about the flow of the story. There were many scenes where I think you could’ve stretched it more. For example the development of Yunho and YooJin’s friendship could use more details and time, and the appearance of Yunho’s mother in the end could definitely use some more spotlights. But since you used flashbacks to back some scenes up I didn’t go too hard on you but you lack thoroughness, which I will get deeper into it later. 

Character Development - 5/15
Character development is essentially related to the flow of the story because a character’s development is dependent on the flow of the story. Besides from the impression of YooJin’s attachment to Yunho and vice versa, there weren’t many changes in their characteristics. And YooJin’s attachment was rather rushed, recalling from above (story flow). There were barely any layers in the characters so I gave you a five. I hope you can develop stronger and more thorough layers of characterisation next time.

Descriptions - 6/10
I noticed that you made an effort to be descriptive so a point there. However your descriptions are rather plain and sometimes awkward. You could use better word choices and phrases to enhance the image you’re trying to plant in the reader’s mind. Remember a sentence’s meaning and its depth all depends on how you juggle your vocabularies and phrases (I will talk more about this later).  Try keeping a thesaurus by your side next time; it makes a huge a difference.

Example:
    Original: As she reached the top she was already out of breath huffing and puffing
Edited: By the time she reached the top she was already gasping for air and trying to catch her breath.

Spelling/Grammar – 2.5/5
Spelling doesn’t seem like a problem to you, however it was the grammars that killed the points. You tend to get the tenses mixed up, and there were a lot of run on sentences. Make sure you reread your sentences a couple of times before moving on. There were some typos every now and then throughout your writing. Besides from that you just need to use your vocabularies correctly. Make sure you use a word only if you understand what it means and under what circumstances should you use it. It really makes a difference. 

Example o1:
Original: “I was always ready.” Yunho smirked and stuck out his hand.
Edited: “I’m always ready.” Yunho smirked and stuck out his hand.
Because Yunho is indicating the past and present the sentence should be in present tense. “I was always ready” means that Yunho was ready before but not in the present. Computers can’t detect mistakes like this because as a sentence it is correct, but connection wise it clashes.

I do recommend you plug in your commas.


Captivating - 5/10
Like I’ve mentioned before the plot was rather obvious, and the flow was rushed, so I wasn’t very intrigued. I’m really big on flow and descriptions because I like imagine the scenes in my head as layers of characteristics development, just as I’m part of the cast.  And honestly said I didn’t get the chance to experience that with your story.

Ending - 2/5
Rushed and confusing.
Your ending was very hasty, it lost me and I had to reread it again to understand the contents. I really can’t emphasize this enough flow and description, flow and description. Your ending and throughout the story, lacks a decent flow and also through the descriptions. Especially the background detail for Yunho’s reason to refuse medication.

FINAL SCORE: 45/100

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Review done by msninjaah from Eternal Happiness [www.eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]

Reviewer’s Note: 
    I apologize for any offensive opinions, but I hope you understand that I meant no harm. My opinions are only what I personally think and for you to take into consideration. Our goal is to help you improve your writing journey, so please do not let any negativity be formed because of a few words. 

Thank you and good luck !

Just Like Now - taehae

JUST LIKE NOW by taehae

Review by yveT.Te

Title - 5/5
Short, simple and sweet. I like it! It matched your one shot well and you have related it into your storyline.

Appearance - 3/5
It is quite simple and does not have anything too special or unique. However, I will give you marks as your colour scheme of grey and white do, in a way, symbolise snow. I recommend you have a poster having including at least the two main characters of your one shot. This so that readers would have a clearer image of them, even though you did include a character list in your forewords. There are some really good sites out there to request for posters, so don't be afraid.

Forewords - 7/10
A little bit short but I can understand as it is only for a one shot. Although you did include a short description for your one shot, your characters were not properly introduced. I know that you’ve included an introduction to some characters within your storyline. However, because it’s a one shot, not everything can be included within the storyline and it is important for readers to have a very clear understanding of who your characters are, especially since they don’t appear in your poster. I know that you don’t want to be giving too much away and the element of surprise is a nice factor for some readers, there are other readers who would prefer a sound understanding of the characters even before the story starts. On the other hand, I like how you’ve quoted a song!

Storyline - 14/15
I have not read anything quite like this before, so I think it is unique and special. Although it had a somewhat predictable ending, it still had quite a captivating storyline that would make readers want to read until the very end.

The first meeting and interactions with each character flowed smoothly into your storyline, making it sound very realistic.

There was also a part in your storyline which confused me. In one of your paragraphs you wrote “Kyuhyun escorted her towards the front door with Donghae trailing closely behind them.” And that “Donghae and Kyuhyun smiled politely at everyone, quickening their pace for a calm exit.” But in the immediate following paragraph you wrote “Donghae had been standing in the exact same place where he lost Taeyeon.” Were you meant to write Jonghyun’s name instead of Donghae’s in the first paragraph? Sometimes, even the smallest detail counts.

Story Flow - 14/15
Your one shot seemed to flow quite well and smooth, although I do believe it picked up a bit of pace as it progressed.

As a reader, I probably would have liked to know more on how the relationship between Kim Taeyeon and Lee Donghae formed since they are your two main characters. I know that at the start you have written that Donghae had a crush on Taeyeon first and that “transitioning from friends to lovers took more than a few steps,” but what were these steps? What was Taeyeon’s reaction when she found out that Donghae had a crush on her for so long? Didn’t Taeyeon have a crush on Choi Siwon at first? Did this happen after the drinking incident?

However, the start had a really good flow as you explained how Donghae developed his crush on Taeyeon and that it “took more than a few steps, more than he would’ve liked”. It was humours and also gives the reader a little insight of what this particular character’s personality might be like.

Character Development - 14/15
With a lot of one shots, it is hard for most readers to really feel close to all characters. In your one shot, I can see that you have done your best to give readers an insight of who your characters are. However, I did feel that some of your characters were more developed than others. For example, compared to the other two pairs in your story, we don’t learn very much about how Jonghyun and his girlfriend met. Although, you explained how the other couples came to be.

Overall, your characters were well characterized, consistent and seemed very real throughout the one shot.

Descriptions - 9/10
You have included enough descriptions to make readers see a clear image of what is going on in your one shot and how each of the characters are feeling. That is great!

However, I feel that you could have used more imagery regarding what your characters looked like. There might be readers out there who might not know your characters at all. As well as that, it is important because as I said before, your characters are not pictured on your poster. Imagery is also an important technique in general, as it adds more depth to your story and characters.

Although, my favourite description was the “Asian stereotype of a nerd.”

Spelling/Grammar - 5 /5
Full points for this one! I did not spot a single spelling mistake whatsoever. The sentence structure and layout of your one shot was also very good, along with your grammar.

I liked how you included a rhetorical question, “Transitioning from friends to lovers took more than a few steps, more than he would’ve liked but at least they were together now, right?” 
This gives the reader something to think about and pay more attention to your storyline.

Well done!

Captivating - 10/10
The way you write is very captivating. My eyes were glued to the computer screen reading your one shot. You have written this one shot very well, making readers read this with their eyes wide open and wanting to know what is going to happen next.

Ending - 5/5
“This was all he could give to her, a tender kiss that she felt from head to toe. It was the feeling of his entirety that he relayed to her, his everything that she now had.”

Those few lines were a really great way to end your one shot. Although it was just a common kiss, you have written it in a way to make it sound as if it was something very beautiful and meaningful. You have also managed to incorporate the title/song “Just Like Now” into your one shot.

Bonus Points - 5/5
Full marks here for requesting with Eternal Happiness and your fan fiction being the first I have ever reviewed. Not only that, but opening up my ears to this nice song. Thank you!

FINAL SCORE: 91/100
Congratulations and all the best with your future fan fictions! ^___^

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Review done by yveT.Te from Eternal Happiness [www.eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]