Last Snow - Melody0606

Last Snow - Melody0606

Review by Ishwarya

Title - 3/5

Where did your 2 marks go? Well, here’s the reason-

1-      Till now, I couldn’t find any relation with your story title and your storyline. I couldn’t refer to any snowy/winter conditions. But, it’s alright, as you still have to complete your fictional story.

2-      Your title is very simple and ordinary. If your story was included in a list of fiction stories, I wouldn’t select your story. Moreover, the title doesn’t reflect on any of the tags- angst/mystery/vampire .

Appearance – 2.5/5

You requested a poster from BANGBANGVIP, and you didn’t request for an equally beautiful background? A background (preferably a dark one) is advised. It will help to enhance the angst/mystery emotion you wish to create.

As for the poster, it is always better to opt for ULZZANGS when you have OCs as the main characters. In doing so, you help your readers imagine your main character as the ULZZANG in your poster. By opting for Seohyun and Sunny, you have confused your readers. This may lead them to imagine your main characters as the SNSD stars. You have also mentioned that the SHINee boys are present in your fic, why didn’t you include them in the poster?

Anyway, BANGBANGVIP has done a good job. I like the colors and the brushes used. However, I wish the font of the title was a better one. The current font looks pretty simple.

Forewords - 8/10

First of all, avoid using animes! You used Seohyun and Sunny in your poster, and now animes for your character description. You are just confusing everyone.

 ‘There's good and there's bad. That's the way things have always been. People don't just blur those lines for fun. They blur them to wreak havoc, to cause misery, to destroy who you are. Just like they destroyed me. They don't know me, and I certainly don't know them, but this wall of separation was enough for them to act. It was enough for them to attack.’

This excerpt was really thought provoking. Very good!

Storyline -12/15

As a reviewer, I have read hundreds of mystery related fictional stories. And I’m very happy to inform you that your story is amongst the good ones. I won’t deny the fact that I wasn’t expecting much after I saw your poster and read your foreword. But you caught me off-guard from the second chapter onwards. Keep up your good work!

SUGGESTION- Don’t stretch your story like a few K-dramas. Don’t make it too obvious. And don’t make it too confusing like Inception. ;-) (No offence to anything mentioned.)

Story Flow - 13/15

Your flow is very balanced. It is neither fast nor slow. However, reduce your chapter size. For example, chapters 5 and 6 are extremely lengthy. When seeing lengthy chapters, your readers may automatically feel fatigued to read the whole thing. So I suggest that you reduce your chapter length.

Character development - 12/15

You have your characters clearly portrayed in your mind. You know exactly when to introduce a character, how to make them react, and you even add a quirkiness in their behavior. This is really praiseworthy. And I really appreciate the fact that you didn’t make the SHINee boys appear as cute, fluffy little things who need to be loved by dark, mysterious women. They have an aura of their own, which brings out the fact that they are matured men. However, a little aegyo wouldn’t hurt. Would it? (SHAWOLness STRIKE!!!)

Descriptions - 9/10

Like I mentioned above, your story has a good flow. And hence, the descriptions are good too. If it were to be too fast, then you wouldn’t allow the readers to imagine the situations and the settings. And if it were to be too slow, your readers would be bored. However, because you have a good flow and good writing skills, you have described the situations, the surroundings and your characters very well.

Correct Spelling/Grammar - 4/5

I didn’t catch any errors. KUDOS! You have a good command over the English language. And like always, I’ll advice you to expand your vocabulary. I spotted very few complex words.

Keeping Interest - 9/10

Interest? Sorry. Very much interested in what happens next. ^____^

Ending – N/A

Since, your story is incomplete; your full marks will be 95.

Bonus points: 5/5

Keep it up! Do request for a review when you have completed your story!

FINAL SCORE: 77.5/95



Thank you for requesting with Eternal Happiness and we hope you request from us again soon!

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Review by Ishwarya from Eternal Happiness

[http://eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]

Beneath It All - cmbabydoll

Beneath It All - cmbabydoll

Review by Sherioka

Title - 4/5

The title matched the ending well, and when you first read it, you’ll be like “What’s this?” But after reading the story and knowing what’s happening, you’ll notice that the title is full of meaning. Just a small notice for naming titles, the simpler the better, the shorter the better. You can use some eye-catching phrases or words from the story as the title. It’ll have more meaning to it.

Appearance - 3/5

The poster was a bit blurry, but the colors and pictures you used were nice and the poster was made with emotion, not a lot of effects and materials. I like that.

Forewords - 8/10

It was a short foreword, but you described your story well, you got to the main point of the story and left a little question in the reader’s head. Motivating them to read more, like what you did to me. Could have been longer and described more, but overall, it was well written and mysterious.

Storyline - 15/15

It’s interesting, it’s different than most stories and it was full of creativity and surprises. I’ve never read this kind of love story before, you can say it’s fresh and new. Although you could of added more emotions and mysteries. It’ll be more interesting.

Story Flow - 15/15

It’s on a really steady pace, in each chapter, what needs to be said is said, what needs to be done is done. You made each chapter full of information and you didn’t slack off on any chapter. The story slowly unfolds and the truth comes out, you didn’t rush it or make it too slow. Not many people can keep the flow of the story under control, its great!

Character development - 14/15

The characters have a complicated relationship; you can’t miss out on any of the characters since they’re all so important. And you didn’t, each character’s part was developed with a little bit of mystery, you didn’t let everyone know everything all at once. The relationship and progress was exciting and full of love…and comedy, it was great.

Descriptions - 7/10

Well, throughout the whole process of the story, you didn’t described a lot or too less. Maybe you can work on describing the character’s personalities; you didn’t really make it clear. And the reader might want to know more about what the characters are thinking. And maybe adding a bit more description and adjectives when writing the romance parts, keep it up!

Correct Spelling/Grammar - 4/5

No big mistakes! You must be a careful person. I just wanted to warn you to watch out for little typos, like spelling the character’s name’s wrong. People wouldn’t mind stuff like that, but it’s better if there were no mistakes at all.

Keeping Interest - 9/10

I had fun reading the story, it was full of passion. I read through the whole story in just an hour, no breaks or anything. The story was fun and unlike other mystery stories. How to say this…It was, well, enjoyable and easy to understand.

Ending - 5/5

I liked the ending a lot, it was the cutest of all chapters. It had romance, comedy, friendship and all those genres in it! You gave it a lovely ending by describing carefully and making the ending full of fluff. I keep on saying the same thing, but it was truly very well written. All those emotions are finally revealed. Great ending, great story, I really enjoyed it.

Bonus points: 5/5

You get bonus points for waiting so long so patiently. As a result, the web-missie has decided to feature your fanfic on our site for a month. :) Thank you for bearing with us.  

FINAL SCORE: 89/100

Thank you for requesting with Eternal Happiness and we hope you request from us again soon!

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Review by Sherioka from Eternal Happiness

[http://eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]



One Year - Sunshine94

One Year - Sunshine94

Review by Han

Title - 4.5/5

I think your title “One Year” fit your fan fiction very well. I took half a point away as it lacks that WOW factor. If I saw it on a long list, being the critique I am, I would have scrolled past it. But it matches your story, so well done!

Appearance - 2.5/5

I like the colour scheme, as blue is Yoona’s favourite colour, however I found your poster to be quite blurry and therefore it didn’t capture my attention as much as I would have hoped. Next time be sure to find more HQ photos.

Forewords - 10/10

Your forewords was well written and informative, something I don’t see very often so well done. I like how you introduced every single character. Great job!

Storyline - 12/15

Your storyline was great! I enjoyed reading it, a lot of twists happened that I didn’t expect which is a great way to capture a reader. Well done!

Story Flow - 8/15

Your story flow was consistent and well paced in the beginning and the middle, however the final chapter annoyed me as it seemed a little rush. For me, the ending is the most important part, it sums up the story and is the last thing a reader will remember about your story, so the ending must always be the best part. Having it a little rushed was a bit disappointing. Also there were a few things that made me stop and re-read and then question (grammar etc.)

For example:

You said: Only Leeteuk was married, and then you say “… that Taeyeon, Sohee, and Hyoyeon are married to them “ and then you say “…I can’t believe that Leeteuk, Heechul, and their wife or girlfriend are going to stay a little longer.” and then you say “…Hyoyeon was Yoona’s age, and she hung out with Yoona, Jessica, and Yuri a lot. It was just so weird to see that one of her best friends was married to her brother.”

I didn’t know what you were trying to say, so I just stuck to your first statement which meant that Sohee and Hyoyeon were only girlfriends. Make sure you re-read and edit your work. Things like this will make readers move on from your story to another one.

Character Development - 15/15

Full marks here! YAY! Your characters were very well developed, each character changed based on their situations and I loved how the characters matured at a reasonable rate throughout. Furthermore, they kept their individuality which is always a good thing.

Descriptions - 4/10

There was minimal description in your story and that was a let down seeing as your characters and storyline were so well developed. There was little imagery in your story and I had to try and create in my mind what the world around the main characters looked like. Although you sometimes gave descriptions of what they were wearing you hardly described the settings, and that in turn can be just as important as the characters.

For example:

You said:“It had a little pond, a large fountain, trees, flowers, and statues everywhere.” 

It could have been: “The garden was spacious, a small pond was located to the far left and a large fountain was the focal point in the middle of the garden. Trees were planted along the right hand side with flowers and statues spread out in different directions.”

You said: “It was a pretty big club” (all clubs are a “pretty big“ especially in the capital city.)

It could have been: “The club was huge, enough to hold a crowd of at least 300 people.”

I’m not saying my examples are perfect examples but you need to put more thought into your descriptions, readers like to have at least a vague idea of what everything looks like rather than trying to imagine the setting and think about the characters at the same time.

Correct Spelling/Grammar - 2/5

There were quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes throughout your story and I’m only going to point out a few.

For example:

You said: “He’s just stupid that he didn’t appreciate you while you were with him,”

It should be: "He's stupid for not appreciating you while you were with him,"

Reason: Grammtically incorrect.

You said: She looked up on the ceiling and sniffled a little.

It should be: She looked up AT the ceiling and sniffled a little.

Reason: Your expression is wrong, you can’t look up ON a ceiling, you can’t look ON anything really. You an look AT something though. Be careful with your expressions as they change the meaning of the entire sentence.

You said: “She had been calling Yoona several times to be sent to voicemail every single time.”

It should be: “She had called Yoona several times, but she was directed to voice mail every single time.”

Reason: You change from present tense to past time in the one sentence and this confuses readers. Try to stay in either PRESENT or PAST tense, don’t alternate between the two.

You said: Yoona grinned to herself as she lounged on a couch as she watched some television.

It should be: Yoona grinned to herself as she watched some television from the comfort of the couch.

Reason: You used AS too many times, making the sentence seem to crowded and confusing.

You said: Yoona was throwing up into a toilet

It should be: Yoona was throwing up into the toilet.

Reason: Unless the family bathroom has more than one toilet you should use THE, A refers to one of many.

You said: “know how you look like”

It is: “know WHAT you look like”

Reason: This one really annoyed me, >_<. HOW is used when you are referring to instructions, like HOW TO or HOW can you? WHAT is used when you are referring to something e.g WHAT is that, WHAT does that sound like, WHAT does that look like.

You said: “adult woman”

It should be: either a woman or an adult

Reason: You can’t be an adult woman, you’re either a woman or an adult because woman is the adult version of girl.

You said: “…they agreed to keep their mouths shut about it.”

It should be: “…they agreed to keep quite about it.“

Reason: “Mouths shut.” seems a bit rude considering she’s talking about her brother and sister-in-law to be.

You said: “pinned the front hair to her head up”

It could be: “she pinned her hair up.”

Reason: The expression is confusing and wrong.

You said: “drove off into her car.”

It should be: “drove off in her car.”

Reason: You made it sound like she drove off and ‘crashed’ into her own car.

Here are a few more phrases that I felt didn’t quite make sense:

“Yoona smiled for real to see that maybe her best friend” (instead of for real you should use something like sincerely.)

“…hated the fact that he could understand at his position.” (I don‘t know what you were trying to say here, do you mean he could understand his current situation?)

“He let me go and promised that he won’t tell Leeteuk or Heechul.” (change of present to past tense)

“but I myself to be at fault, too,” Siwon explained” (I and myself mean the same thing.)

“He quickly looked over and saw that he saw his dear Yoona looking” (use of saw twice is unnecessary )

“went straight to Yoona’s table with Siwon.” (makes it sound like Seunghyun approached Yoona with Siwon, should be Yoon and Siwon’s table.)

“Yoona could do nothing as Seunghyun took her hand and made her exit along with the two men.” (sounds like there were two other men besides Seunghyun and Taeyang.It was probably better to just say “exit along with him and Taeyang.)

“Taeyang waved and said goodbye as he left the couple all alone in the car. He started to drive home as Yoona crossed her arms with anger.” - (Taeyang had gone home, he didn't drive. Saying he after you mentioning Taeyang, makes readers think you’re still talking about Taeyang.)

“He did want to go with to come with her to the doctor’s appointment” (it seemed like you changed your mind half way while writing this, make sure you edit your work.)

“counseled” (counselled)

“signaling” (signalling, I felt you used this word too often, try and find another word.)

“gynecologist“ (gynaecologist)

“shopping center” (shopping centre)

I’ll stop here instead of pointing out all your tiny mistakes. Just be sure you proof read your work. If it helps, read a lot of books to find the correct expressions, or get someone else to read your work before you post it.

Keeping Interest - 5/10

Your story was very interesting and I enjoyed it, after reading your story I had a huge urge to listen to T.O.P’s voice in every Big Bang song I had. >_< However because of all the little mistakes you made I didn’t feel the motivation to continue reading as much as I did in the beginning.

Ending - 3/5

Your overall ending was great, I took marks off because it was rushed.

Bonus Points - 5/5

You get bonus points for utilising AsianFanfics feature to be able to add photos within your text. I enjoyed seeing the photos as they let the readers take a break from words.

You also get bonus points for waiting for so long. We apologise for the delay because of personal reasons maimai was unable to do your request.

FINAL SCORE: 81/100

Thank you for requesting with Eternal Happiness and we hope you request from us again soon!

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Review by Han from Eternal Happiness

[http://eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KIM JONGHYUN

They Are My Everything - Reny

They Are My Everything - Reny

Review by yveT.Te

Title: 5/5

There’s nothing wrong with it, which is great. It does have an effect of capturing some of the readers’ attention who are scrolling down through a list of fanfics.

Appearance: 3/5

The font on your poster is quite light and a bit hard to read, perhaps next time use a darker colour for it. The photos in the poster are also a bit blurry. Next time, try finding some high quality pictures to use. A poster can help capture the attention of readers as well as set the overall mood of the fanfic.

Forewords: 7/10

The forewords are short and simple. It does contain a brief introduction of the main character and tells the readers what the story is going to be about. As well as that, you’ve included a quote which can help capture the attention of readers.  

Just a little correction though, “He was 16 but he still got a cute look.” – Instead it should be, “He was sixteen, but he’s still got a cute look.”

Storyline: 13/15

Your plot is very unique and I’ve never read something quite like this before. It was slightly predictable though, as halfway through the one shot I was able to predict that it would just be a dream of some sort.

Story Flow: 14/15

Your one shot flows nicely and is consistent throughout the whole one shot. It doesn’t go too fast so it doesn’t confuse your readers.

Character Development: 13/15

The character development for your main character Chinen is really good. As I’m not familiar with Chinen, I probably won’t understand his character like some of your other readers. However, I did learn a little bit about him through your fanfic.

Descriptions: 7/10

You do have description, which is great but there aren't any descriptions that particularly stand out.  The descriptions you used were quite common such as the word “tall.” You’ve used it frequently throughout your fanfic, but there are other words for this such as “giant” or “large”. Try using a thesaurus to help. It usually gives a greater effect and adds a dynamics to your story.

Spelling/Grammar: 3/5

There are a lot of small mistakes which could easily have been avoided through more editing. Although I didn’t really spot any spelling mistakes, there were quite a few grammatical errors. For example, “He would turn 17 just in a few more hours.” –Instead it should be “He would turn seventeen [in] just a few more hours.” There are quite a few others in your fanfic where words are in the wrong place but again, this could have easily been avoided through more editing and proof reading.

Captivating: 9/10

As I’ve said before, I’ve never read something quite like this. A unique plot is the main component in captivating your audience.

Ending: 3/5

Unforetunately the ending became slightly predictable halfway through the one shot. But the ending was still nice to read.

Bonus Points: 5/5

For requesting with Eternal Happiness. Also, thank you for waiting so patiently! I’m sorry it took a very long time to finish your request. =.=”  All the best with your future fanfictions :3

TOTAL SCORE: 82/100

Thank you for requesting with Eternal Happiness and we hope you request from us again soon!

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Review by yveT.Te from Eternal Happiness

[http://eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]

It's Too Late - Yuuka a.k.a Tikachan

It's Too Late - Yuuka a.k.a Tikachan

Review by Ishwarya

Title – 4/5

You’ve chosen a very apt title for your storyline. However, it is always safe to avoid negativity in your title. With the title, “It’s Too Late” I get a negative impression of your story, which should be avoided.

Appearance - 5/5

A beautiful poster and a pleasant background. Well Done!

Forewords - 5/10

I’m sorry, but your foreword was not well written. I expect a little more of a description and an even more interesting start to your story. As you haven’t completed it yet, take your time to write the forewords. Finish your story, and then edit your forewords.

Storyline - 9/15

I was confused on how to score you in this criterion, as you haven’t completed it yet. But I’ll certainly ask you to work harder because, up until now, your story is like any other love to hate stories I’ve read. All the Best Yuuka!

Story Flow - 8/15

The flow was a bit too slow. This is because you wanted to include every tag bit of detail. Please avoid this. However, if you take my advice and increase your flow in the following chapters, then your story would flow smoothly. So, here’s my suggestion- edit a few parts of your story till now, so that the following chapters won't seem too fast.

Character Development - 10/15

You developed your characters efficiently.

You stuck to your character descriptions, which impressed me.

I could picturise your characters well. That’s an amazing capability.

Descriptions - 7/10

Your descriptions were simple and easy to understand. I assume English is not your first language, so at times, the descriptions did sound pretty weird. But it’s alright. I appreciate your effort to write in English.

Spelling and Grammar - 3/5

I didn’t spot any terrible spelling errors, other than typos. However for your grammar and vocabulary, I’d suggest you to solve a lot of workbooks. Many a times, ornamenting your sentences with complex words, impresses your readers a lot. It gives out a good impression, you know,

Captivating - 6/10

Even though your story is your original creation, but I couldn’t seem to ignore the monotonicity. Do try to include more interesting sequences to make it more captivating.

Ending – N/A

You will be assessed out of 95, as you haven’t ended your story yet.

Bonus Points - 5/5

Thank you for requesting at Eternal Happiness! And I apologize for the delay.

FINAL SCORE: 62/95

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Review done by Ishwarya from Eternal Happiness

[http://www.eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]

Blind Emotions - Silence113

Blind Emotions - Silence113

Review by Ishwarya

Title – 4/5

You’ve chosen a very apt title for your storyline. I’m impressed. When I read your forewords, I understood the meaning of the title. We say, ‘Love is blind’ and so are the emotions. So, your title is really good.

Appearance - 3/5

The poster gives an impression of some movie banner. ^__^ I like it. However, I would have preferred a better use and positions of the pictures. Even the colour could have been a little bit more grayish (this is completely my POV). And, “be happy always” should be ‘always be happy” and “Follow” has been written as “follor”. This is the reason, I deducted 2 marks.

Forewords - 8/10

Your foreword was well written. You gave a proper introduction to the story, and also described the main characters.

I was also impressed with your grammar skills.

The forewords in one of the key points of a story, so, if you mess it up here, readers may lose interest. However, you didn’t do so. You aroused my interest and made me read it till the end.

Storyline - 10/15

Your story has a nice ending. However, we do get a lot of love triangles to read. So your plot wasn’t that outstanding. It was a sweet, cute and a lively description of the lives of three people.

Story Flow - 12/15

The flow was smooth. You did not rush it at all. As it was just five chapters, you could have extended your ending a little more.

Character Development - 10/15

You developed your characters efficiently.

You stuck to your character descriptions, which impressed me.

However, you did not quite describe the looks of your characters. Most of the time, I had to picturise the three main characters by myself, like how they must be looking or how their expressions are. I hope you can correct this flaw.

Descriptions - 7/10

Your descriptions were simple and easy to understand. However, I found it tough to picturise your settings and creation. You could have included some extravagant dream sequences, and invite your readers to be a part of it, by explaining it efficiently.

Spelling and Grammar - 5/5

No flaws at all. There were no spellings, typo or grammatical errors. However, I feel the usage of “yea” or “yeah” is rude. While writing, I generally prefer to write “yup” or”yes”. I noticed that a fellow reviewer has pointed this out; I’d like to second her thought.

Captivating - 7/10

Even though your story was good, and I read it till the end, you know how someone feels when they read almost the same thing every time? That’s what I felt.

Ending - 3/5

A happy ending makes everyone happy.

Bonus Points - 5/5

Thank you for requesting at Eternal Happiness! And I apologize for the delay. Your request was passed onto me, as one of our reviewers left unexpectedly. Anyway, continue to write more, and don’t forget to request again!

FINAL SCORE: 74/100 

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Review done by Ishwarya from Eternal Happiness

[http://www.eternalhappiness-ww.blogspot.com]